First mentioned: Episode 18

Jesse's Gravestone is a reoccurring subject that grows in size each time he says something quotable. He pays for the upkeep with the profit he made from his Quote-A-Day calendars.


Once Jesse passes: his robot wife, Nork Nok, will silently stand by his tombstone for an interminable amount of time.

Reanimated and immortal Wilford Brimley comes out every month to add new additions to the grave because even though Jesse is dead he will still be spewing nonsense (or he might stockpile quotes on terabyte hard-drives).

A motion activated hologram of Jesse recites quotes on a loop. The default quote is set to, “We had a good run world, but you are dumb as shit”, but it can be changed with a knob located at the grave's base.


“Be the white knight, don’t be the squire” (This quote sits at the top of the tombstone written into a scroll and accompanied by cherubs)
“If they did it, they did it. If they didn’t do it, they didn’t do it”​
"Get in the kitchen and make me cookies god dammit"

"Your parents' job is to make your life miserable; if they didn't, they weren't doing it right"
"Technically, it's like brain fapping"
"How's that strawberry sack going"
"Crazy people will always be crazy"
"I almost believed something existed, until I started reading it"
"Yeah, China. Why don't you get to work on making an English sweatshop"
"Honesty is all I've got, beside lies"
"Cats are the worst ever"
"Find someone else to drive your ass to the salon, you dumb ho"
"Why can't there be a number that's just like my phone number and [house wives] call me up and I'm like, "I know your life is boring. How about some of that crazy, kinky sex you should be having?""
"Humour is art, it is what makes the human condition worth living. Just like that delicious food, there are so many varieties for your palette. It's like experiencing the world with your eyes anew everyday" -- An excerpt from Jesse's Tombstone Calendar
"I can't swallow it whole or my poops will come out too hard"
"Society is messed up"
"Sticks and stones hurt, dick"
"I'm just saying I want a really nice ass"
"I don't get you, Japan"
"If your going on one of those sites like, "I'm looking for a sugar daddy, but I'm not a whore", sweetheart, you are. You are"
"No, I'm not a super model. Although, If I was, I would date myself, because I would be gorgeous"
“We had a good run world, but you are dumb as shit”
“If you want to try dog biscuits, just try it.”
“Listener, I want to eat you. I am very hungry for sweets, listener.”
“What if you are Jesus? You get no gift and killed”
“If you need a new Dick and Penis, give us a call”
“After 40, really, jewelry is the only way you’re getting any, so you might as well just accept it”
“Dammit Ben, you’re a quarter back. You should be out there sexually harassing women. What's the matter with you? God!”
“I almost even tried, and that was bad”
"All day, everyday, until your poops come sliming out."
“Everything I did was for science”
“Look she's drunk; drunk girl stay stupid stuff sometimes; drunk guys say stupid stuff; I’m okay with that”
"I know that you think it is cool that they've got four girl hostage, but it's not cool"
"If there’s one thing I do, it’s blow"
"I’d rather have to admit that I am old and can never get hard again, than risk having my dick explode off.”
“I just wanted the juice”
"There's this scene where a hallway is filled with, like, what I assumed were dead kids; I was like, "Aw shit! This is awesome!""
"You suck, world" (The final quote on the tombstone)